Decisions

There has been a change of plans. For the last while, I'm sure you've noticed, I've been feeling rather unsure and stressed about this new school situation that I've chosen to pursue, that of library science. Its come to a head over the past week or so, with the stress and intensity of the unhappiness increasing - not fun.

So, I decided to take action to stop this downward spiral - I have decided that being in library school at this time and place is not the right thing for me to be doing right now, and I have withdrawn from the program. It was a very hard decision to make, not something that I came to lightly or on a whim. More than a little terrifying, as I have no idea what comes next, what kind of job or career I want to do, or how to find it. But having made the choice, I feel so much better - immensely happier, and relieved. A big factor is that I am feeling burned out of doing school right now, and need to step back from it, reassess and do something totally different. I was considering the option of dropping my course load down to 3 from 5, and finishing up a few courses at least in December, but the thought of forcing myself to do the work to get to that point - essays, assignments, presentations and whatnot - was making me miserable. That, and the fact that I was feeling no desire to continue with new courses in January, so pushing through to no end didn't seem like it was worth it.

I don't think I fully realized how stressed out and unhappy I was with this program until these past few weeks. Yes, everyone that I've talked to in my class right now 'hates' it and we're all feeling overwhelmed by the work (even students further along in the program), but most are gutting through it, or knowing that the end results will be worth it for them. Not so for me - I really have no desire to work in a library setting, and reference/research questions are not my thing. I didn't really enjoy doing a lot of the research that I had to do in undergrad, so why I thought that doing an intensive masters program in a field that is very research oriented would be a good idea ..... lol. I never really had a strong desire to do a masters degree in the first place - I was just as surprised as anyone when I was accepted into both of the schools I applied to, and figured that I 'should' go mostly on the basis of being accepted. The deadline date for withdrawal from the program is today, and I know that in the past week I have not been alone in making the decision that this program is not for me, several others have made the choice as well. I've been very lucky, and feel very thankful for all of the support that I have received during this process of making the decision, particularly from my parents.

I will miss the people in my program, definitely - I have made several good friends in the short time that I've been here, and I plan to keep in touch. I've even grown accostomed to London, small and pothole-filled as it is, and to Western - it was just the program itself that was a completely wrong fit for me at this point in my life. I will stay around for a few months more, while looking for someone to sublet my place for the rest of the year, and enjoying the time with my friends (when they're not busy with school work, heehee), and working on the figuring out of what comes next at this stage in my life. Then back home, and hopefully finding a job in or around the Toronto area .... I have no idea what the future will bring, but I'm excited about it, and also enjoying the rest and relaxation in the meantime.

I am glad that I came, and that I've had this life experience - definitely have learned a lot, and will continue to do so. Yes, in hindsight looking back at how I was feeling about things a few months ago, this wasn't the right thing for me to do at this time, but at least I gave it a try, and now I know. And now I will move onwards to the next step, destination unknown.....

Leaves in London

Beautiful colours, as the seasons change. Much as I love the summer and don't love winter, or the feeling of the air getting colder ... the colours sure are pretty. I keep seeing bright red leaves strewn across the sidewalk as I walk to the bus, spots of colour on otherwise grey mornings.

PS - all of these leaves are on the same tree, as seen in the last photo.

I'm a self destructive fool...

So lets look at some pretty pictures. Taken in Toronto, on Sept 24, 2005.

London, a town apparently bereft of souvlaki

What is with this place? So far I have been to 4 different grocery stores, and have yet to find one that carries Mr. Greek's chicken souvlaki shish kebobs. So yummy, and yet so elusive. I just want a little protein in my diet, a chance to break in my new 'contact grill' (aka George Foreman), but nooo....thwarted at every turn so far. Its making my grocery shopping expeditions a wee bit depressing.

Although there are those 'Sammy Souvlaki' stands on nearly every corner....2, in fact, that I can think of nearby. Perhaps I shall give those a try. But I was all ready to cook (shocking, I know - probably the 7th sign of the apocalypse, C looking forward to cooking...and meat, at that).

Couldn't find perogies at the grocery store tonight either (and it was a big one!) ... not yet completely out, but was hoping to restock. I think I'll give one more store a try, and if that fails, then I think I'll be sticking with Cherryhill as my main store.... bah. London. *shakes head, and fist*

drifting . . .

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of 'home' is gone. ... Just sorta happens one day, and its gone." --Garden State

Had a good long weekend at home overall....a bit of a feeling of displacement about it at times, though. Got to see friends & family, and spend a night downtown at Spadina house - always good times. I know the lingo, and they take care of me. And Thomas is cute, as always.

I was a little jealous of Cath when she left on Monday night to head back to Toronto - I wish that I had a place in Toronto to head back to. I miss being in the city, so much. And even if it doesn't feel exactly like 'home' anymore, I don't like having to drive for 2+ hours to get back to the familiar places, rather than being less than an hour away. Although at the moment my apartment is feeling kind of more like a 'home' base than my parents house, I don't like the geographic location of it. I've been tending to delay leaving Aurora to head back here, although when I'm leaving here on a Friday night, I'm out of town as fast as I can manage it. I don't like the travelling/driving aspect of it, the length of time that it takes .... although really, not that long in the grand scheme of things, just longer than I'm used to. Its a pretty drive at this time of the year, at least, with all of the autumnal colours. Overall, its an odd, disembodied feeling that I have with regards to where I live, and what I want to be doing (I have no clue).

Trying to make the best of things .... enjoying getting to know some of my classmates better, and commiserating with them about the piles of stuff we have to do. Although it seems that a lot of people did work over the weekend....I did none, and I didn't get back here until late Tuesday afternoon. Oops. And the fact that the latest in the adventures of Jamie & Claire have kept me riveted, with my attention less on other matters, such as oh, essays due tomorrow..... ;) Nothing new there.

In other news, I finally now have hot water in my kitchen sink.... a amenity that has so far been lacking. No more doing dishes in the bathtub! A nice thought to contemplate. When I left for class this morning, I left an apt with no electricity (hydro guys were doing something on the street with the wires...they had all the lights from the poles down on the ground, and were maybe replacing some of the poles), and minimal hot water.... so it was nice to return to both restored.

Hurry up and pass, October, November .... can't wait until December.

Grab an oar...

Okay, enough of looking at 'The Scream'. More happy, colourful images to follow. Thank you everyone for your supportive comments - I still have no idea what I'm doing, or if I'm doing the right thing, or how long I'll stay with it, but in the meantime just trying to go with it all. Or as best I can, at least, with the constant stream of deadlines and assignments flowing by. I've found that in talking to my classmates, pretty much everyone feels the same way right now (although I'm not sure how many are considering the possibility of dropping out) - so we're all in the same boat. I keep swinging back and forth between whether I should stick it out, and just get through the next 11 months, or if after the next 10 weeks (whose counting?) this isn't for me. So goes the daily pendulum ....

For a treat to myself after last week's ickyness, I purchases 2 things which make me happy - the newest Diana Gabaldon behemoth of a novel, "A Breath of Snow & Ashes", and the new RENT movie soundtrack. Been listening to the soundtrack all weekend and enjoying it, although, being new and slightly revised, some parts sound 'off' ....but I still can't wait to see it onscreen (and to see it again on stage, but at least there is a set date on which I will be able to see it on screen! Stage presents a bit more unknown future date....) Been trying not to read the book too much, and work on essays (been failing a bit there....but I'm trying).

I really like the look of the RENT movie poster ... The cd cover is the same, just the pictures are a bit more cropped. Such pretty colours.... :) Which are also now serving as my screensaver (alternating between this one and the 'countdown' one - yeah, yeah, complete geek/nerd/whatever).

Why Roger got the shaft and the smallest sized pic on the poster, I'm not quite sure, so in an attempt to balance the injustice, here it is, full sized.... :) I'm so happy that the majority of the Original Broadway Cast are reprising their roles for the movie - should be good stuff. I just wish it was November... for one, lots of good movies coming (RENT & Harry Potter), and two, means that this term will nearly be over!

"And when you're dying in America, at the end of the millenium..... you're not alone." (What You Own, RENT)

Dolls